


My feelings

by niallsmofo_37



Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 14:44:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8165564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niallsmofo_37/pseuds/niallsmofo_37
Summary: This is just a book where I can put my thoughts down without getting judged. Just a book where I can freely write without having to follow a script. A book that everyone can relate to.





	1. Skinny Shaming

Why can't people see that skinny shaming is a thing. What baffles me about body shaming is that people recognize it when its being done to bigger women but no to smaller ones. When you come up to a skinny person and tell them:  
"OMG you're so skinny, do you even eat?"  
"Eat a burger"  
"You need some meat on your bones"  
That's also body shaming whether you see it that way or not. You may not think so but it is, like why is it okay for people to say that to skinny people and think its okay and that its all a joke but that gets done to bigger people and then it becomes a problem. It should always be a problem, either way it goes. Some people don't understand the struggle us skinny people sometimes go through and whether you believe it or not your words do hurt. Some of us have went through diets, pills, shakes, and many other things just to try to gain weight and sometimes that doesn't even work. Its just hard for some of us to gain weight no matter what we do, that's just how our body is. Maybe our metabolism is too fast and we just cant seem to put a single pound on. So please next time you think of making a snarky comment towards a skinny person please think before you do it. Those comments do hurt and they tare down our confidence. Yeah, some of you may say "be happy that you're skinny" but how can I be? When people are constantly criticizing my weight and the way I look. Yeah i may smile and laugh at your dry jokes but that doesn't mean that they don't effect me. It has gotten to the point where I cant even feel comfortable in my own skin, I cant even wear shorts because someone always has a comments about my "chicken legs" or my "thigh gap". I don't even feel confident in a tank top, in a dress, or even in a bathing suit because if there isn't a comment about my legs, there is a comment about how "skinny my arms are" or how you can see my ribs, or how my hip bones stick out. Honestly the only thing I want is to comfortable in my skin but even that seems impossible in a society that all it knows how to do is bring you down.


	2. Mixed Signals

There is always that one boy that will always have your heart.   
That one guy you will literally do anything for.   
That one boy that holds a special place in your heart.   
That one boy you will always find your way going back to.  
Well that boy to me has hurt me numerous times and I still went back to him. Was our friendship toxic ? of course I let him use me when he was lonely and I was thrown away like I was worthless when he found a prettier doll to play with. What did this do to my confidence? it shattered it. I don't know why I let him step all over me for years. I guess it was because his sweet words meant something to me. He could'e have been saying them because he felt sorry or he felt obligated to act as if i meant anything to him. There where nights I cried myself to sleep thinking Why? why am i not good enough? what is wrong with me? how can I go from being your everything to being nothing in a matter of days? How can you drop me so easily as soon as you find a new doll to play with? why do you always come back to me? Am i just your rebound girl? do you always come back to me because you know I will always accept you no matter what? Why is it that it took me so many years to realize that you are no good for me. I will never understand why I put myself through so much pain and suffering. Yes, I was happy for you because you were happy with your "girls" but I just never understood why that couldn't be me. But you know what it's okay! That situation made me strong it made me realize that i am worth it and that I should never lower myself to make anyone happy. I'm good enough and I will not be someone's second choice or rebound girl. Someone will come along and he will love me for me. Yes, you may always hold place in my heart because you were the first boy I ever fell for but you will no longer have a hold on me. If I learned anything from you is that sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.


	3. Your Entertainment

I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. Is it because of the little pleasure I get from out encounters or is it because I'm actually blind enough not to see the problem here. This all started because of an drunken mistake; a mistake that I don't regret but it is a mistake I question. We have so much at hand and so much that can be jeopardized because of our actions. But at that moment in time when we are both laying down giggling in each others mouth none of that matters. I sometimes ask myself, is i actually worth it tho? do the benefits actually outweigh the consequences? no they don't but I can't seem to get away from you. It happened a lot for a few months and I was ready to open up myself to you, to give you what nobody else has been able to take from me. My virginity. You told me you weren't ready though because you didn't know if you wanted to loose yours as well. I accepted that. I was okay with that. What I didn't expect was the call during the summer saying "me and him had sex" that shouldn't have hurt but it did because I thought we had something special. What hurt the most was the fact that it was the girl you "despised" the girl that you "hated" the girl that you talked so much bullshit about. That was the girl you gave your all to and instead of telling me you lied and I had to find out through her. Why couldn't you just tell me? what were you so afraid of? why would you lie? Then summer came and we didn't talk, I just slowly tried to forget about you and after that call I made myself a promise not to go back to you, no to go back to our old ways. I realized that I started to like you but I was in denial, I mean I was lonely and so were you so we appreciated each others company but I was in a lot more deeper than you. I stayed strong for so long but you had to come and break me, you had to come and pull me back to you. Pull me back with your cute little bright smile, with your awkward jokes, with the little cute affectionate things you do. Where did that get me though? nowhere, just with mixed signals and a confused mind. How come we can go from being tangled up in the sheets tasting each others mouths to not talking at all. It is clear to me that none of this means anything to you. I'm just your entertainment for when you're lonely or bored. I understand that and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that because I'm lonely and you're the best thing I got right now. I'm okay with that because that's what I know. I know how to get used, I know how to make others happy at the sacrifice of my own happiness. I'm okay with that because I believe that you are the only person who will show me affection. I'm okay with that because I have a little candle of hope in my heart that it could turn to something more but I know that can't happen. I'm okay with that because I know I like you and I have finally accepted that. I'm okay with that because I prefer to have this little bit from you than to have nothing from you. I'm okay with that because I've realized that I'm falling and I'm just hoping you'll be there to catch me. I'm okay with that because I know this is the best I'm gonna get. Is this healthy ? No. Should we probably stop? Yes. Are we going to? I don't know. How long can we keep this going? I couldn't tell you. If there's one thing I wish for; that is for us to never fade.


End file.
